there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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