I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
