I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
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So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
