I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
