dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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