Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
cat food counts as protein by the way
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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