i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
