Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
