Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
