There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
