I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
