You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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