Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
