I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
