I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
