She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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