I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
