What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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