Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
