You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
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yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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