Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
