between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
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