Umm I'm too high to move.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I have post one night stand depression
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