you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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