When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
