Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
