ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
