Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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