I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
