Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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