I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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