my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
