I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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