Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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