Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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