this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
