New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
