I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
