I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
