I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
