I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
