i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
