I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
