we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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