The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
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