so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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