need another drink. this is the easiest way
Ambien. No doubt about it.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
