that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
