Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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