you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
