blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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