On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
