she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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