bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
His nipple licking is glorious
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