I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
third nipple confirmed
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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