I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
