i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
