god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Someone signed my nipple.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize