They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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