Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
