My liver just broke up with me...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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