FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
