so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
