He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
