I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
