i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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